Who can say they met their best friend by banging their head against a wall? (I mean, your own head—not your friend’s.) Well, I am proud to say I can, indeed! Let me explain:
Jacqueline and I had been “acquaintances” for a while. We’d been in the same drama, P.E. and computer classes, and our lockers were next to each other thanks to our last names. But it wasn’t until we both met Flathead Madbrows that we truly bonded. :]
Okay, so that’s obviously not his real name. The back of his head being abnormally flat inspired “Flathead”; and a photo of himself he posted on his MySpace, where his eyebrows were ridiculously arched—so arched it became creepy and reminiscent of a rapist—inspired “Madbrows”.
Here’s a little drawing to show how Jacqueline and I became ‘connected’ with Flathead:
So, during and after Flathead and Juliette’s relationship, he relied on Jacqueline and I to be his advice-givers and fountains of knowledge about Juliette (even though we hadn’t known her that long either). Almost every night, I’d sign on to instant messenger and he’d be on. Before the program even loaded, I’d hear that sickening *ding* of a message. And the conversations would last for hours; hours of him “venting” as he put it. Sometimes I’d just leave my computer and let him type, come back 30 minutes later and he’d be finishing his story of how Juliette wouldn’t do this or she said that, or whatever he was obsessing about on that particular day. (I eventually learned to sign in “Invisible to everyone”.) The odd thing was he was doing this to Jacqueline, too, and neither of us had any idea we were both suffering through the same…hell! x]
So, that brings us to the ‘banging my head on the wall’ thing. I was fed up with and maybe officially had been driven mad by Flathead. So, one morning at my locker, a casual conversation with Jacqueline led to Juliette and Flathead and, happy I could finally express how frustrated I was with Flathead, I started rambling on about how he catches and tortures me with his long-winded philosophies about life and Juliette. Then, Jacqueline goes,
“…ME TOO!”
And there you are. Bonded forever. ;] But, really, having someone to share this with probably kept us both from running to psychiatrists. So, our next step was trying to find our way out of this maze called ‘friendship’ with Flathead.
Easier said than done, believe me. Flathead was one of those people who could snap at any moment. They act extra buddy-buddy so you don’t abandon them, but then, when you do, they freak, grab the nearest shotgun and wreak havoc. This was forever on our minds when dealing with Flathead.
What made it worse was: 1. Juliette broke up with him on Christmas Eve over MySpace—he immediately messaged me and told me he’s heading over to my house now; mind you, it was 9pm. Uh…no, just no. and 2. The other two people in our “friend group” essentially denounced him; Flathead’s biggest fear was abandonment—or so we hypothesized—so that really messed him up.
That left me and Jacqueline. And he made sure we knew. He would constantly tell us how much he loved us, and how we were his greatest friends now—his true, real friends. None of which we reciprocated or even acted on. Every time he said something like that to us, we’d just get more anxious—our greatest want was to break off all ties with him. I mean, everyone else did! It was ridiculously unfair we were left to deal with this mess by ourselves. But if we were to abandon him, we reasoned, he’d go off. He’d lose it and grab that shotgun. So we were stuck.
Oh, but how hilarious were the events that happened in that “limbo” stage of our friendship. Flathead was emotionally draining, but extremely entertaining. I think because he was in his own little world most of the time—and then constantly trying to drag you into it.
Here’s a message he sent me in his delirious grief after an actually very pleased and unsympathetic Juliette broke up with him:
And a second self-explanatory, dramatic message:
Oh, yeah, did you notice his motto? “It happens.” Indeed, it does. …? … I think that’s enough Flathead for today, though, kids.
Look out for Part Two! :]
